My Awakening

It’s unbelievable! Oh my gosh, I truly feel like a teenager all over again! I’ve been fortunate to have some amazing life experiences, but nothing can compare to the most recent turn of events within the last months, maybe even years. Gosh how long does it go back? It was definitely a very, very frustrating time, but things seem to be playing out for the better in the long run.
On March 30, I planned to fly down to LA to spend time with family and help my cousin on her first baby shower that upcoming Saturday. As usual, I had been in touch with my friends and attempted to get together as many different times as possible that they already had going in the works. One of my true joys of coming home to visit is being with the kids for sure! I love, love, love to be able to look forward to picking up Gabe, Vanessa, and Christina from school with Jacq, etc. It’s so much fun to be able to play basketball with my 8 year old nephew, or tag with lil’ Vanessa! Christina is growing up so much. She’s going to be 18 before we know it. Talking about boys and cramps.. lol... wow! So, it wasn’t much of a surprise that when family and friends would ask me when I am going back to Portland, it was always a last minute flight I was catching back because of work. Back to work? Hmm…
Anyways, remember how it was always quite well known that ever since I was, about oh, 16 years old I had made the decision that I didn’t want kids of my own? I wanted to adopt! Help another being on this earth that never asked to be here and was being punished by some irresponsible adult’s bad judgment call. So many kids in the world, why would I bring in my own? I had considered the thought before then though. Picked out names and everything. I mean of course I always would want my “Raven Ash” and “Damien Alexander”, hell I even have Raven’s first toy collection going, but it was like a dead dream though. Something to write about later on. Perhaps, just turn them into a story. Well, going back to the main thought here, Jeremy essentially married me under the condition that there would be no children. It was well understood with his family and my family already knew that. His mother wasn’t too pleased with the thought though. Her daughter didn’t want kids either.
Well, life decided that it was going to put me up to a lot of challenges starting around my 26th birthday and ready or not, here they started coming.
I really, really wanted to start seeing the world and being able to explore into new territory was fantastic. I visited Argentina in January 2009 and plan to go back to see more of the country side next time and get out of Buenos Aires. Sure, sure I was able to hit up London, Manila, etc. last year, but it was a weird feeling in my gut that told me to go to Argentina. I remember Jeremy just looked at me like I was crazy, but went along with it like he always did. Anyways, this all relates to the idea that there is still a lot of world out there. If I want to go explore with my girlfriends from work, or even my mom and sister, there should be no reason for me to have my husband at home resenting me for my decision to go without him. There was never a travel clause in the marriage contract that stated that you can only go with each other on trips, all trips. Good grief! You could just imagine how that conversation went down! I could not stop laughing in disbelief! For real?! Over text messages at 5 in the morning right when I get to work. Oh well, my fault I guess! Should have asked about Cairo with Amanda around lunch time. Maybe that would have helped. ;) Well, I ended up just letting the conversation go. I didn’t want any issues and I now knew that there was one thing in my marriage that I was going to have a problem with. The rest just kinda started to reveal themselves as time goes on.
Jeremy decided that he wanted to start really having the “family” conversation around my 26th. It was mentioned here and there throughout our marriage, but never seriously. Why was I so willing? I know I just want to be a good wife and please my husband, but why would I even humor the thought of something that has been against every ounce of my existence since my first boyfriend and I broke up in high school? That was our dream, just like every relationship has its own niche. Mine and Jeremy’s relationship was about practicality, not being a “family”. ::sigh:: So, I entertain the thought… I am going to be a mom. Ummmm, not so much. I remember meeting this Russian couple when I first moved to Portland. They had a 3 year old and the mom was about 25 years old at the time. She was telling me about how sad she was the entire she was pregnant. Crying on the bathroom floor everytime a new physical change happened that she could spot in the mirror. She said that she didn’t start bonding to her son until a couple months ago, so after he had turned 2 already. Her mother and the husband took care of him until she was ready to come to terms that she was in it. It was just more confirmation then and everytime I thought about that story that I wanted to make sure that I knew what the hell I was getting myself into before it was way, way, way too late. So how is it that I find myself getting feedback from coworkers that are parents? Looking for real heart- to –heart advice from my cousin? You know what’s interesting is my cousin just kind of settled when she got married. You ask her now and she never had a doubt in her mind, but I remember before they got to that stage where she was going to be fine and go with it. She questioned me right back though. My response… he’s a safe decision. Love was never really the question, just more of “is this right”… Live life like a ball, rolling to each point, letting someone else keep your momentum going and guiding you in the better direction because they can see it was safe. Besides, this was my next practical stage in my relationship and to please my husband I’d entertain the thought. March rolls up pretty quick for some reason and I made the one of the biggest decisions of my life. I didn’t refill my birth control prescription. If it was going to happen, I wanted it out and done with now. My sister asked me a really entertaining question though and it didn’t hit me until later, but still. She asked me if I loved this man so much that I was willing to put little Jeremy’s in this world. My response, “No, it’s not about love. He wants to try to be a dad and who am I to take that from him.” I was being the selfish one. Aigh! So, I let my worries go and didn’t try for anything, but was just going to put everything into God’s hands. If I was suppose to have this child, it’s going to happen one way or another.
Towards the middle of March a couple of family events on Jeremy’s side started coming up. I never really looked forward to them. I always felt like such an outsider when I was around all of them at the same time. Sure, I can be a people person and make the best of any situation on the outside, but I truly couldn’t wait to get back home and be done with it. I respected them very much so, but I was just a whole different breed of person from them. The little things started showing to me. Why was it that Jeremy would always like the things I liked? I mean, sure there was stuff to have in common, but there were things that I really enjoyed and he would go and get crazy, passionate about them. More so than I did most of the time! It started to get kind of annoying. It was like I had no individualism anymore. My life was cloning itself onto another person in front of me. If I was trying to be a good wife to this guy, how could I do it if he was trying to mould to me? I’m positive if you asked him, he’d say no, it’s not true, but that first step is denial isn’t it? Oh well, maybe it’s just me again… side effects from coming off the pills right?
It’s finally the 30th and I am ready to get back to my “home”. I couldn’t wait to see how far Glenna was along now and I had some catching up to do with my girls! I had started speaking to Chris again and it was great to be able to chat with him again and have things be normal. I had mentioned him to Jeremy, no secrets, no problems. It was just good to be able to have someone so close to me and my family back in my life again.
I arrive into Burbank airport like I usually did and my mom picked me up this time around. I requested a quick trip to Ralph’s. I needed bananas and orange juice if I was ever going to try and loose some of this ridiculous weight! So, we head to the store and of all people to run into... Martin. It was a big kick for my mom. I had closure with him years ago, but apparently my mom never did. Just another asshole that decided I wasn’t good enough and couldn’t just say it to me, but let me find out instead.
I ended up heading to Diego with Toto on Friday that week. I needed to make sure I got there 24 hours earlier that everyone else to help with the preparations for the party. 200 fucking duck cookies man. I was gonna quack if people didn’t eat the little fuckers! At any rate, what got me the most was that my cousin still didn’t put off that happy, pregnant glow that I heard so much about? I was just with her couple of months ago and it wasn’t there then either. What was wrong with this picture? Why was she telling me to wait and it wasn’t the right time? Did she know something I didn’t? I went to bed that night thinking about where my life had taken me. I never wanted to leave LA, other than because I had to get back to work, but not to spend a day with Jeremy. I was starting to judge myself in someone else. How does that freaking work? Well, you try something, watch someone else do the exact same thing and you decide if it is going to work or not basically. And, the final tip of the iceberg. Why was I really thinking about having a baby? It’s not what I wanted and I was more so confirming it in my mind than anything else. I had already mentioned to Jeremy earlier that day that I didn’t want the baby and I was going to be getting back on meds as soon as my next cycle was up. Then, everything just starting spinning out of control! It was like someone forgot to flip the sand timer on the board game. All of a sudden things became way to clear besides the items just listed.
My mom was going to move to Portland and buy a house with us. Sounds fine to me, but my poor mom and Jeremy would have to deal with each other and if things didn’t work out (which was constantly in the back of my mind), it was going to be an issue. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore! Other than living life in the time instead of for the life, I think I just made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Jeremy and I used to call each other our “Long, lost…”, but I think that’s right where it ended. A long and lost situation, that we were both still trying to find our ways out of. I never wanted to accept that he was my long lost love because he wasn’t. What else was I suppose to fill in the blank with? That’s why it was blank.
Saturday, April 4, the day of the shower. Nothing changed. I still felt the same way when I woke up in the morning even though I tried smoothing out my thoughts with the Coraline soundtrack when I was falling asleep. I watched my cousin that day, trying to place myself in her shoes and the only image I had in my mind was that beautiful picture of Shelia and her elephant. This isn’t the life I wanted. Not yet at least! I wanted to be able to live! Good grief! My tag line used to be “Ride life to its fullest”. I was not doing that for sure! And love… I wanted to be crazy in love!! Not, great in the beginning, fade out, then learn to love again. That’s not the real stuff. At least it shouldn’t be, right? That’s the usual beginning of every relationship, but I want something better!
Anyways, the thought of a separation then just started feeling like the right decision to me. I drove back home to LA with Jacq and Stefan, but we made a quick detour to drop off his son with his ex. Another eye opener. Had I gone through with the child concept and these feeling hit me a couple years later. I would be in this exact situation. Having to deal with my ex, and his family! ::dramatic head shaking:: If I had found someone else by then, they would become involved in the circle also. How tiring and unfair to everyone involved, especially the kid! Anyways, the is no kid and no chances of one now. ::sigh of relief::
When did I becomeso blind? How is it that I was so involved in everyone else’s emotions I became dumbfounded? I just starting rolling through life instead of understanding it. Justifying it, instead of screaming in excitement for it. Becoming… so not me. I am beginning to see now, that this move to Portland truly made me different. I don’t think I was ever truly, truly happy from the first day I got here, but I was determined to make it work. I didn’t want to keep being the failure to my mom. The “I told you she’d be back in 6 months” line from my tita’s. Just once, I wanted to grow up. Be an adult. Try to be held accountable and responsible for myself. Bad, bad, bad, bad!! The one time I might actually confess that I should have just listened to Albert.
It was a whole new life. New people, people environment, new… everything. I got lost in making sure that I was being the best person I could be for everyone else, that I forgot about me. I can’t keep writing about this. I’m feeling sick just rehashing all of these thoughts. This whole thing was essentially a mistake. Sure I have a great position with the airlines, but at what cost? My understanding that I’m not happy in Portland. I’m alone in Portland. I left myself rely on someone else to crutch my emotions while I took care of everyone else’s. Walked blindly into a marriage I wasn’t ready for. Damn!! I wish I would have stuck to the premarital counseling. Maybe that would have been my wake up call and none of this would have happened. Jeremy wouldn’t have a second divorce. I wouldn’t have to hurt another person, or myself. Good grief!!
I’m spent.

Typical

Oh the reality! I attempted to try to make something of expressing myself on a regular basis to find some meaning behind the word "life"... and about four months later; here we are again. However, life has dealt me a new hand from my original blog. I look back at it now and wouldn't want to change anything about it. Everything still stands accurate, the only difference is now I have the inspiration to actually want to get out of bed. I'm accepting what path I have chosen for my life to truly start on and I get a rush of excitement and stress all at the same time. It's perfect! The challenge to find a comfort zone for the future, but yet living every single day to it's most fulfilling moments! Fuck!! What a rush!

I really wish I could just layout a calendar here and just fill it in so you can understand where life is taking me. My "love life" has been shifted to a different time of life. It's not right for me now, but unfortunately that means a divorce with a shit load of papers and a hellishly long waiting period that reminds you every morning that you are going through it will be hitting me now. It's ok though! It was my decision and I am at peace with it and in the long run it will be the better decision then staying in the current because I was too lazy to deal with the papers. It will be worth it for the both of us in the end. I'm finding now that part of trying to figure out what I wanted out of life was becoming complicated because it wasn't just my own, but someone else as well. Then there was that stupid revelation that haunts everyone in my family. The first husband never sticks and the first wife always ends up bitch... the Tanglao curse. Da da daaaa!! Well, as for their superstitions, at least I had a rational explanation for my request to dissolve my marriage. I'm not going to get into it now, but know that it was my choice and yes, we had a very great relationship and he is a wonderful person... but, we didn't really know each other and I wasn't really in love and bottom line is I feel that God didn't make us for each other, but came close. It may have been one of those convenience things. Gggrrr... all of the reason to life my life a little more recklessly and satisfying instead of safe and stable.

I'm going to move soon. Where? Not sure, but I have some great friends that are willing to help out with things along the way! This is the great thing, my primary job is in Portland, but all of my family and the jobs that really make me money are in LA. So, I am commuting (yes, by plane, not by car) back and forth every other week now. Sure it's only a two hour flight, but your never in one place long enough to call it home. Ah! Idea... crash pads!! (Don't you just love all this airline lingo?!) How freakishly exciting?! There is no place to call home because you end up getting into this transition where the world is starting to become your home! You have your personal items at all the locations. How freeing! Come and go as you please, anywhere you want, where the only person you need to worry about directly is... yourself! So, now no established address to fill in on the permanent address boxes of applications and the mailing address... a relatives I guess. LOL!! I can't even belive I'm really going to do this! It's just as freaking crazy as my cousin up and moving to the "motherland" and beyond! Wow!! I get to be a part of that now, so I need to make the most of it while I still can.

It's all just so amazing that no matter where I end up there is only one thing that's certain... My everyday 22.